I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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