the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
