the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
