i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
