Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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