I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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