My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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