Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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