Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
