every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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