i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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