bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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