she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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