So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How's work?
Spinning.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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