Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just blew my weed a kiss
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
