Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
