i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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