OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize