Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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