Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
