i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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