I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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