i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were trust falling into bushes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
