How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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