I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
