I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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