u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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