totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
