I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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