i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize