Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
