dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
