I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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