Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
