you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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