He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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