Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
