I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
