I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
