I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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