Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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