The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
