You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
