I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
