watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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