WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize