You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
