Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
