@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
