I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
