A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
