Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
