you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
