don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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