I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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