My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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