I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
