I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We need to rekindle our bromance
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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