Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
