nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
