nut hugger
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
