I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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