My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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