I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize