I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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