I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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